I’m going to start with something simple, I used to blog about 10 years ago when I didn’t care who read what I was writing. I’ve since become a lot more of an observer on social media instead of an active participant. My step back mostly started with the pandemic when I realized I knew some crazy people who’s ideas did not align with mine but I was old enough to realize I didn’t actually give a crap and debate wasn’t on the list of things I cared enough about to put any effort into it. Anyway, I got sidetracked, I do that a lot. Ninja baking. I do not really like to bake, I have a really hard time following recipes, I can’t retain the amount of an ingredient in my mind longer that it takes for me to read the next item in the list. I didn’t realize that that is an ADHD thing, so ya, baking takes longer than it should because I have to read one thing at a time, no matter how many times I’ve made the same blueberry muffins, I can’t remember how much salt I add. I also hate dishes and that tends to be a constant part of it. How does this relate to ninjas? I have 4 dogs who love me and need to be near me and if I’m in my (very tiny) kitchen, they need to be too. So baking is a dance of stepping over dogs, sliding them out of the way, reaching over them or picking up a dropped item before what would appear to be a fast asleep pupper, shoots across the floor to lick up the muffin batter before you can wipe it up. Add in the odd kid who wants to “help”, don’t get me wrong, I love that they want to, it’s just one more person I’m reaching around. Today as I was scooping batter into the muffin pans, the baby decided he needed to be held right then so I’m nursing a baby, stepping over dogs, opening the oven with one finger and closing it with my foot. I went for a massage last weekend and the massage therapist commented on the fact that I was really toned for someone who doesn’t work out. Well, I might not go to a gym but I have some mad ninja baker moves. Maybe next time I’ll talk about how I do laundry.
Resentment
Don’t suck up your frustration with your partner until you blow. This should be common sense but time after time I ignore my own wisdom until I snap. I always immediately regret it, but I let everything build up in my mind until the damn let’s loose and the words just flow out of my mouth and those words do a lot of damage. I snapped today, it was only one sentence but it hurt him. What I said was 100% true but I made a decision a long time ago to let the issue of contention go and it wasn’t fair to bring it back into play. I was going to be all vague to remain anonymous but no one will read this anyway and even if they did, I sure won’t be telling anyone in my real life about me loosing my temper over shitty underwear. My 5 year old really is potty trained but she’s struggled with constipation most her life and it’s exceptionally bad right now. She’s pooping her pants a bit and she can’t help it, normally I am calm and handle it like a good mom but today I am tired, I’ve walked so many kilometres because it makes my partner happy and I really really want him to be happy but I am out of shape and really, the baby is still only 3 months old, I’m just tired. So I sat down to feed the baby and she needs to go so she runs but hurts herself on the way, she doesn’t make it and is scream-crying because she hurts, he went to check on her, realized she’d pooped herself and walks back to the couch and sits down because “she will only let me help her”. Here’s the part where I am totally the asshole, I snap that she thinks I’m the only one who can help her because he taught her that. That is technically true, he does not deal with poop, AT ALL, it makes him puke. The fact that I believe he should have figured out how to get over that before he had kids is irrelevant because I knew this and started a relationship knowing it and continued having kids with someone who wasn’t doing diapers. Yes I think it’s stupid and horrible that I’ve been stuck with 99.9% of 4 children’s diapers and I hate how I let it become a problem, the truth is he doesn’t see this as a problem. He told me he doesn’t do poop, I made fun of him but accepted it. I’ve been dealing with it for almost 9 years and have never made a big deal about it. If I’m changing the rules in the relationship, the responsibility is on me to bring it up calmly and maturely and not in the heat of a poosplosion. I’ll save the debate about him being unfair for “dumping” hahaha this job on me for later. Today I accept the title of Asshole for starting a fight. Now I’m going to get this very overtired boy to sleep and figure out how to suck it up and apologize for acting like a brat.
Just a Little Touch of Crazy 